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A Captive Audience

The Dark Lord of the Sith knows how to hold a press conference. And if he says, “no questions” he really means “don’t ask me questions or I’ll Force Choke your ass.”


He's More Machine Now Than Man

Snoring Husband

Do something before she kills you.

For quite a while, the Queen has really been on my case about my snoring problem.  And when I say my snoring problem, I am really saying that it’s her that has the problem with the fact that I snore like a buzz-saw.

For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that she’s a borderline insomniac anyway and focus on her observation that, besides my snoring, I’ve also exhibited signs of sleep apnea.  The main sign is that I often would stop breathing completely for a short period while asleep.  Other signs included some real nasty leg twitching and chronic exhaustion.

So, after much urging and persuasion (read: nagging) by the Queen, I talked to my doctor about it who hooked me up with an appointment with an otolaryngologist (ear, nose and throat doctor) who makes a ton of money shooting lasers into people’s throats at $1,500 a pop.

I originally thought that it would be pretty easy to diagnose the problem, he’d set me up with an appointment and bim-bam-boom… I’d be on the wrong end of a laser that would scar the back of my throat and suck my bank account dry at the same time.

Goldfinger's Laser

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!

Of course, I was foolish to think that it could be this easy.  He examined my nose and throat before recommending that I take a sleep test as he thought that zapping me wouldn’t be the fix-all that I hoped it might be.  I guess I should be grateful that he isn’t a trigger-happy doctor.

Eventually, I got a call from the respiratory health services folks who hooked me up with a sleep test machine.  I took it home and, that night, I hooked it all up right before bed.  Given that I had all kinds of tubes and wires running to me, I actually slept pretty well that night.  The following Monday, I took the machine back to their office for analysis of the data.

Darth Vader

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

About a month later, the results came back telling me that I have ‘Moderate Obstructive Sleep Apnea’.  No shit, Sherlock.  The report that came back from the test said that I had a Respiratory Distress Index (RDI) of 20; which meant that I had 20 events per hour where I would stop breathing.  Over 40 events is considered severe.

What they recommended was that I take home a C-PAP machine (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) on a trial basis to see if it would make much of a difference in the quality of my sleep.  The problem with this machine that it’s actually a total bitch to even be able to fall asleep with the mask and tube apparatus on.  I’ve switched from the nasal mask to a different mask that covers my nose and mouth which I’m hoping will help with the problem.  Of course, when I’m laying in bed trying to drop off… I can’t help but feel somewhat like the über-nerd version of Darth Vader with this ventilator pumping air to the mask that I have to wear.

Anyway, the machine costs in the range of $1,800 to $3,000 if I were to buy one.  So I don’t want to go into this all whilly-nilly, if I have to fork over that kind of cash… I’d like to know it’s actually going to work.

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