Much like the United States’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has their Most Wanted List of criminals, the New JeffLand Empire also has its own list of ‘Most Wanted; which is a list of people that desperately need to be brought to justice for their crimes.
Sadly, no criminals sought by the New JeffLand Empire have actually faced trial in what some would call our ‘kangaroo court’. (And trust me, there are no kangaroos in our courtroom. A naked midget with a fanny pack? Maybe. A Shih Tzu with a scratching problem? Definitely.) Despite this, we are confident that we can do our part for the global community to make this planet a better place to live in for everyone through the decisive use of swift-handed guilty verdicts and unnecessarily violent and painful sentences.
The NJLE’s Most Wanted List can be found as a page accessible from the menu of the site but for a direct link, click here. This list is only a start and will be periodically updated as circumstances require.
Every nation needs to have a constitution and JeffLand is no exception. Without getting into the specifics of the NJLE constitution, there is a clause directed towards the theft and consumption of another man’s pie. It reads, and I quote:
No person shall […] be deprived of life, liberty, or pie, without due process of law; nor shall private pie be taken for public consumption, without just compensation.
Now, I bought an apple pie with the youngest Prince over the weekend and we consumed part of it; leaving the remainder of it for my own ‘personal’ use (and for those of you thinking of THAT pie scene in the movie American Pie… get your heads out of the #%$@ing gutter) during the coming work week.
Without naming names, someone consumed the last of my pie before I could even contemplate taking it to work with me. He was even ballsy enough to do it right in front of me, necessitating me to take this picture as photographic evidence of this crime.
Obviously, a crime like this cannot go unpunished. And since my word is law and I am well within my rights, as King, to dole out a swift and merciless punishment against whomever I choose; let it be known from this day forth that the theft of Royal Pie shall be a capital offense, one punishable by death.
Now, whomever it was that ate the Royal Pie, should be lead to the gas chambers* and executed. However, taking into account that the guilty person is a ginger… I’ve decided that it will be a far more harsh sentence to let the boy live than to put him out of his misery. Judgment has been passed.
*Note: The NJLE gas chambers consist of having to sit in a confined space with me for two hours after I’ve eaten cabbage, beans and broccoli.